Passively in Charge

September 14, 2006

Recently, a lot of people told me they expected me to be the first one to break down. They thought I couldn't handle it. But I passed that excruciating test with flying colors — going even beyond the call of duty. Boy, were they surprised! Some even sought my "services" should they need it in the future. But that got me thinking. What did people of think of me? A weakling? Please don't be fooled by my demeanor. I do have strength should the situation call for it. It's just that if someone wants to take the lead and responsibility, but all means, knock yourself out. I'm not going to stop you. But if no one wants to step up to the plate, that's when I take the rank of a captain. But please don't think I'm invincible for I am not immune to battlescars. I just don't wear them like badges of honor. I hold them close to my heart where only my God can see.

Written Recitation

September 13, 2006

I'm no writer as you evidently read in my past blogs. Given the choice to convey a message in its written form or by word of mouth, I'd rather express it orally. I have nothing against putting things in paper, it's just that I have poor penmanship. I'm also awful in grammar as well as in spelling (please don't tell my grade school teachers). Putting things in black and white is more formal while talking is more personal. Reading a message is more subject to misinterpretation, misconstruing the writer's intent. While communicating the message verbally allows the listener to ask questions immediately in case clarification is needed. The listener also gets to digest the non-verbal message — inflection/tone of the voice, facial expressions and mannerism.

I'm sure the advantages of putting the pen to paper outweights the contrary. Writers could rebutt my arguments point by point. But in my mind, the real question that begs to be answered is how do you convey a potential devastating information to a loved one?

Quiet Desperation

September 12, 2006

I want to rant, rave and scream. It's hard to bottle up things inside.

I'm long overdue for a good cry. But I can't. I am not yet allowing myself of that luxury.

I am not in denial. I'm just trying to put on a brave front. For if I stop being strong, the falling dominos phenomenon would occur.

Though nowadays, I am so emotional. A small thing could make me teary eyed and my temper now can be so easily triggered.

I'm scared that one of these days, I won't be able to deal and explode.

I'm just running on adrenalin and faith.